[Orcnet] Shara's mom

[Keith Lofstrom]

I'm going to talk here about death - a subject not directly related
to the engineering we do, but as process that an engineering 
perspective can help with.  Engineering is about relating to the
world as given, and finding and choosing outcomes based on the
reality we observe.  As death will come to every one of us and to
all of our customers and co-workers (hopefully not because of our
products!) it is important to design our lives with death as one
of the parameters.

----

A few months ago, I told the group that my wife Shara's mother Helen
was dying.  The Orcnet sent flowers - thanks!

Helen passed away on November 12, at home with her husband and adult
children and many grandchildren present.  We just got back last night,
and are picking up the pieces at home after a long absence.  We
expect to be too busy for the Friday Orcnet shindig, but we will
have time later in December to have dinner with some of you.

Shara spent much of October and all of November back in Maryland with
her mother and family.  I've been back there three times in the last
two months: for a last visit with Helen, then immediately after her
passing, and then over the last week for Thanksgiving and the memorial
service.  It has been a busy time for all of us.  

Some things are settled, many things aren't, and that's the way these
things go.  Much of our effort was helping Helen accept extra help
from "outsiders", and later the help and care we arranged through
hospice.  Caring for a dying person is intense - that is why many
people get sent to the hospital to die.  But if arrangements can be
made (and many hospice organizations excel at this) and there are
enough caring others to devote weeks to the process, then dying at
home with loved ones present is much better.  Never make your
schedule so busy that you can't make time for this.

We have almost no regrets about the process - perhaps the main
thing we wish we had done differently was to have two extended
conversations beforehand with Helen.  Me, I regret not sabotaging
the televisions that interfered with the conversations :-/

One conversation would be more explicit wishes about expectations
for the family afterwards.  In the aftermath, people make assertions
about what "Mom would want".  Such assertions are harder to make
when Mom is around to argue with them.  Generally, what "Mom would
want" is for us to pay extra attention to each other's needs, since
she will no longer be available to do so, and for us to learn how
to negotiate with each other without her as referee.

Another conversation would follow the collection of all the address
books, scraps of paper, and names of others.  She could have helped
us compile a list to use for contacting others for memorial service
information and other things.  In 89 years, Helen had made hundreds
of friends; her reminiscences about them and her knowledge of their
current whereabouts would have helped her reminisce and saved the
rest of us a lot of frantic searching.  Even with 6 adults spending
17 days between Helen's passing and the memorial service, there was
an lot of arranging to do.

We did manage to have frank conversations long in advance of the
event.  Virginia Morris's book "Talking About Death" is a good
starting point - but keep in mind that dying is as individual as
living, and there is no one formula that works for everyone.  Some
people might be happier in a hospital - though probably not the
50% that die in hospitals now (which, btw, accounts for 50% of
the medical expenditure in the US).  Myself, I would like to die
hooked up to instruments that scientists are watching and learning
from - as long as Shara's needs are met first.  While talking about
these things beforehand is hard, it greatly reduces the anguish 
when the time comes.  Not all the anguish - it hurts like losing an
arm - but not as bad as the chain-saw-disemboweling that unprepared
death can feel like.

Some of the rest of you have had a loss already, and know what I
am talking about.  For the rest of you, I hope this helps you face
the eventual loss of parents or other loved ones.  The main thing
to remember (especially difficult for professional "doers") is that
dying is a process of losing control - over people, over activities,
over biology, then over living itself.  It is hard to accept the
powerlessness and superficial indignities, especially for engineers
who focus on "fixing problems".  Besides sadness, a surprising
amount of blame and anger erupts, and sometimes you have to return
compassion and forgiveness for vituperation and slander.  The fewer
expectations and more knowledge you bring to the process, the fewer
scars it will leave.

Keith

-- 
Keith Lofstrom          keithl at keithl.com         Voice (503)-520-1993
KLIC --- Keith Lofstrom Integrated Circuits --- "Your Ideas in Silicon"
Design Contracting in Bipolar and CMOS - Analog, Digital, and Scan ICs